Thursday, September 05, 2002 :::
before you read my entry i'd like you to ask jeff if you could read his little piece of beautiful literature about the evils of man ...
wow ... juss read jeff's Gr. 9 piece of literature, which he claims to depress anyone who reads it ... what was it? a will save of DC 20 or become depressed for a few hours? ... lolz ... well i juss read the first page, so to keep my sanity, i'm going to test my mental prowess and poke holes at it ... i hope jeff reads this, i know he's changed, but i hope to disprove all of his rantings so that he may find true hope ...
PG. 1 here he goes on about how there's no such thing as true happiness ... this is true ... nothing in this world can keep you completely, eternally content ... everything that satisfies the ego is only fleeting ... but so what? ... pain is a part of daily life, pysically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally ... we must all experience pain, otherwise, it we would never appreciate its extreme opposite: fleeting joy ...and juss like joy, all pain is fleeting ... for god's sake man, we're all in high school, in jeff's dad's words "don't worry, it was only high school, nobody got hurt" ... but hell man, we should juss live with that, and i read somewhere that other people and circumstances can not make us sad or happy ... only we have that final say ... to rise above that stimuli and to choose a response is the most powerful thing a human being can do ... are you that powerful? ... look at the people around you ... do you know someone who seems happy all the time ... even when they're depressed, they have that little bit of hope that keeps that smile from never going away? ... what makes them so happy? ... the sad truth is: their choice ... yea, it's sad ... the only reason we choose to be sad is because we choose too, the only reason we choose to be happy, is because we choose to ... it's sad because it's soo difficult to stay happy when life keeps beating you down ... but you have to ask yourself ... do you have enough power to rise above your emotions? ... then he goes on to say there's no such thing as love ... of course there is ... what about ana's family ... they love each other, it's like "the perfect family" ... that's gotta be love ... and then there's the love that we have for each other as friends ... sure, friends can lie, cheat and backstab ... but you can't tell me that you don't know a couple of people who truly love each other almost like brothers/sisters? ... if you don't know anyone, then you obviously hang out with the wrong crowd ... and besides, what have i always said true love was about? ... it's a verb, not a feeling ... look at all great literature, they never refer to love as a feeling ... instead they use words such as heart and affection ... they've always used it as a verb: "i love" ... if you think love doesn't exist, then you're not looking for love ... you're looking for someone to tell you that they really care about you and are willing to give up their entire lives, and their body, to be with you ... that's not love, that's greed for affection ... i would know ... i've been on both ends of that stick ... oh and a note to jeff, lolz i know this is cruel, but i mean it with the utmost sincerity: how can you say whether or not love exists, when you've never been in an intimate relationship with anyone before?! ... lolz sorry ...
PG. 2 here he expands on "there's no such thing as love" ... how all humanity is evil and then goes onto how we fuck up the earth ... meh, i've already adressed the first part ... the other parts is true ... well, i wouldn't really call the pope evil, but humanity in itself is evil ... but you can't have yin without yang ... and then he ends of the page with "i don't believe in a better tomorrow" ... of course there will be a better tomorrow ... it's how you define 'better' ... nature evolves, technology advances, and humans grow ... but there will always be evil, you juss can't get rid of it ... from what i've learnt so far, evil sprouts from two things ... animal instinct for survival ... which explains greed, envy, lust and gluttony ... and the other is social conditioning ... which explains wrath, pride and prejudice ... ie. ignorance ... lolz
PG. 3 he basically keeps bitching about the above ... and again asks the question: "why are we here?" ... they say nobody knows the answer to that question ... you jeff look at is as if we have no place here on earth ... others believe that a god-like entity put us here for some reason ... but i read somewhere that science and religion cannot explain our existence ... but there is one, possibly very true, and very simple answer ... to learn ... the suffering around us, we need to learn ... the happiness, the love, the hate, the violence, the hope ... all must be experienced so that we may learn ... why must we learn? ... well, what else are we supposed to do? ... "Why stay on earth unless to grow?" ... and that's what we do everyday ... even as i read this piece of literature jeff, and then i take a look at you now ... and i listen to your stories of your past ... and i imagine what you might be in the future ... i see growth ...
PG. 4 here he stats off with the "humans don't fit on earth" again ... then he starts commenting on jealousy ... jealousy is usually aroused more often with the youth more often that adults ... why? ... because most adults have matured, they no longer have a need to feel jealous ... but what is jealousy ... it's more than juss wanting something that someone else has ... first of all it starts with greed ... a greed for money/objects/people/affection ... and when we see others have more of it ... we think "why do they have more of it" ... this is evil is evoked by again a natural instinct to survive "the more i own, the more likely i will survive", was what all non-sentient creatures think ... jealousy is also invoked by pride ... which is cause by social conditioning: "this person is not as good as me! why does he have something that i don't have?!" ... again also another natural instinct ... if the weaker have more, they will overpower the more fit ... jealousy is a fear of not having enough, and a fear that someone not as good as you has more and thus justifies that he is better than you ... "Jealousy is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies." Elizabeth Bowen ... people who are mature have learnt to subdue their natural instinct, and are educated enough to longer be socially conditioned ... he also goes on about lying ... lying is based on survival ... "what others don't know, keep me safe" ... again, we need to subdue this instinct of survival, enough to a degree that we not only keep ourselves alive, but the human race itself ...
PG. 5 here he brings up the division of people, how they create groups and accept some while shunning others ... lolz ... i remember alot of that in elementary ... and i know alot of other schools, especially in the public schools in the US do the same ... but luckily we go to Mary Ward ... which i believe is the friendliest and most enlightened of most schools ... once again, this is because human fear and a need for survival ... "if we stay in numbers we are safer ... if i lead those numbers, even better" ... but this usually goes away after high school ... even fraternaties and sororities have become friendlier, tho there are still some that are picky about choosing their members ... but hardly is there violence within those groups anymore ...
PG. 6 in ther first part of this page, he claims that there's no such thing as friendship ... in the last part he claims there is no such thing as love, again ... i think that you can say now jeff ... that there is friendship ... juss like i said that, you can't say whether or not intimate-love exists because you've never been in a successful relationship, neither can you say whether or not there is such a thing as friendship, because you've always believed you've had no friends ... now, i think you've realized that you do have friends ... at least i hope you have ... i've already explained what love is, and that's what's friendship is about ... that and trust ... trust is the foundation of friendship, love is what keeps the two people together ...
PG. 7 well, in this page he continues about "no-love" philosophy ... then comes his rant on sincerity ... it's true ... alota ppl are insincere ... including my parents ... especially my parents ... we pretend we're something we're not because we want others to think well of us ... lolz, i don't really care about those people ... it's funny, when i met daniel wong and his gang, i became outrageously foolish ... and i loved it! ... that's what i love about mary ward, when my friends come to visit me and they see our antics they get scared ... lolz ... but i don't care, maybe i've lost my dignity, but i think i gained pride ... a pride that doesn't care what others think anymore, and instead only dwells on what i want to do and feel like doing ... if ana has ever taught me anything important ... it's the relevance of sincerity ... no matter how much she values 'dignity' ... lolz ... tho i know alota ppl out there hide alot about themselves ... they feel a need to hide it ... and i'll never understand them ... why? ... because they even hide the reason why ... and finally jeff, like i said before ... the saddest fact of all our existence ... is that in order to be happy, all we have to do is to choose to be happy ... that's the secret of all these ppl in 'eternal bliss' ...
PG. 8-10 in pg. 8 he keeps going about how we don't belong on earth ... in page 9 he gives us a glimpse of his inner soul before he quickly and strangely changed the topic to the media ... here is another argument attempting to prove humans are evil because they relish in witnessing the suffering of others ... i don't know what sick twisted person likes to hear that shiet ... but what producers do know, is that people want to be informed about the most dangerous things that's happened around them so that they can protect themselves if it ever happens to them or some one they know ... but anyways ... he keeps going on about humans being evil ... i dunno if he still believes that ... but god bless him, i've spent two and a half hours on this ... lolz ...
if you've made it this far, keep reading ... here's a great site that explains the meaning of life ... it may not a be a reliable source, but the answers it provides are completely logical and hopeful ...
Tuesday, September 03, 2002 :::
FUCK!!! ... i hate this blogger shiet! ... it deleted this long ass entry i was making yesterday ... argh! ... ah well, here's what i could save/remember ...
as i write this ... the day is officially the last day of rest before school starts ... and what a day of rest ... i spent the first part of the morning attempting to forge my mother's signiature - ya see, i think i found out what happens when you bring that student planner home and don't return it over the summer :S ... you probably don't get your report card, which explains why i haven't received it in the mail ... and you probably don't get to start your new courses ... hmm, so you can imagine what was going through my head as i woke up this morning with a realization of the consequences of my stupidity ... and my mother didn't even sign it yet, hence i must forge ... well, that was immediately followed by a quick read of Animal Farm, finishing yet, strange story, poor Boxer ... then i cleaned my room, emptied out my bookshelf and drawer, and dismantling my bed, so that my sister can take those with her to her new appartment, coincedentally of course, to mess up my room again ...
so now i decided to take a break, post-poning my task to vacuum the house and defrag the old comp for my sister's use ... instead i came online to MSN to find everyone busy and worrying about tomorrow, and d/ling some Linkin Park songs ... hopefully becca will lend me Reanimation tomorrow ... oh yes, speaking of which ... i hav to bring back ming's book, ryan's CD, and max's belt ... hmm, anyways, i still have to finish reading lisa's Dragonlance book, which she got from her brother's who borrowed it from tristan ... but anyways ... my parents hav decided to suspend my phone-line uses once school starts ... which sadly includes my internet privelages as well ... damn dial-up ... i cannot use either for recreational pusposes ... hence meaning i will have no recreational activities once school starts ... sadly i have nothing better to do ... and oh yes, my parents no longer want me to stay out late on school nights ... meaning no parties, and i have to be back home before 7 ... unless i hav Tae Kwon Do ... so you probably won't see me on MSN for a while, expcept maybe for friday and satuarday nights, other than that, zilch ... but fortunately i can still blog ... so to make up for 0-recreational hours ... you can expect me to blog frequently, which is good news for my *oh-so-avid readers* ... hmm, you can expect most of it tho to include bitching about my parents ... which won't be much different from my usual blog entries, but anyways ... as for my uses for school time ... heheh, expect *that* to be my main source of recreational time! ... lolz, tho i will hav to commit sufficient time on my accedemics so that i can finish ENG 2DC before october, and finish MPM 2D1 before january, so i can pick up a gr. 11 math course as soon as possible and then finish it in summer school ... yes i will admit, it does sound rather impossible ... especially when it's me talking ... i've always had a problem with motivation ... so that will hav to be the first problem to tackle: 'how to motivate myself' ... i've been trying to figure that out since april ... i figured i'm difficult to motivate, if the task is given to me by some one else, and the results aren't quick and tangible ... i need to come up with something by myself, something that will give me fast results which i find practical ... but that won't be possible at school will it? ... no i hav to do what's given of me, bite my lip and swallow it in, *sighz* ... i hav however came up with an interesting solution ... make my long-term goal for this year: 'run for school treasurer/secretary' ... yesyes, go ahead and laugh ... it does sound rather ridiculous ... especially since it requires me to be a good student ... but as i see it, to be eligible to run, you need to maintain good grades and be on track ... and if i win, it will demand that i keep that up ... so, if i'm really into this goal, then i might be able to succeed this year! ... err ... i know that probably doesn't make much sense, but whatever, it helps me sleep at night ... and hopefully work ... though, undoubtably, i know that there will inevitably be situations where i will become distracted by obsticles, and i might fall of my path ... but if i can keep this goal in mind ... i might, juss might, be able to pull this off ... after all ... it might be the only chance i got ... "Obsticles are those frightful things that we see when we take our eyes off our goals" ... ... so i'm hoping anyone who knows about this will do their duty as a good friend and support, motivate and remind me about this goal ... i'm begging anyone who reads this ... and i'm going to beg anyone else who knows about it ... to go to any extremes, without the use of unneccessary violence, to keep me on my path ...
